Sleep Therapy

I crashed last night. After dinner, Tom & I attempted to watch a movie about a tire that was rolling around the desert blowing objects & people up with its mind. We'd recently bought a new chair & ottoman after discovering we both fit into like a glove, able to cuddle & movie in comfortable bliss.

Unfortunately, maybe 45 minutes into the movie & I was snoozing. I knew I was fidgeting like a psycho (thanks twitchy legs & menstrual cramps) so I grabbed my deliciously warm blanket from the dryer & went to bed. I slept hard immediately.

Sometimes it just happens. I cannot keep my eyes open. It's a losing battle with consciousness. Why? Am I THAT exhausted? No?

I think it's my body's self preservation act in progress. Yesterday was a very, very trying day. My body knew if it didn't shut down to put some space between yesterday & today, I would probably explode.

So thank you body. Thank you for knowing, even when I refuse to see it, that sometimes, I need a break. I need time to shut down, process, forget.

Recharged

"I sustain myself with the love of family." --Maya Angelou 

 I know, I use Ms Angelou's quotes quote often, but I can't help it; that woman is a genius. She gets me, I think.

 I got to see my family this weekend, which is always wonderful. Being around Mom, Eric, Brittney and the girls is like fuel for my sapped battery. Life drains me and it's recharging to be able to let go and know I am loved. I am flawed and they know it and they still love me. I read an article on Thought Catalog about a girl's relationship with her sister and mother. Her mother told her she couldn't count on anyone. Oh except her sister and her mother. That's how I feel. I'm not saying they're incapable of errors, but they're a constant in my life of peaks and valleys.

 Charlie & Katherine's wedding was really beautiful and I had a lot of fun. I'm glad Tom came with me and got to meet some people and his increasing presence in my life fills me with such happiness. :) We went to northgate afterwards just bar-hopped, enjoying each other's company. It was a great night. Sunday we slept in, ate, then ... took a nap! I didn't know it was possible to love sleep more than I do, but I think Tom has managed it! Eric & Co. met us at my apartment where we played Dance Central (amazing) and Monday I took off work to go with them to the zoo.

 Now, if you know anything about me, you know I'm an animal enthusiast. My dream job would be to be Steve Irwin while writing. Memoirs, blogs, etc. Doesn't matter. Haikus about kangaroos and iambic pentameter describing the grace of whales and the beauty of the animal/human bond. Digression complete, a zoo with two babies is not taking advantage of the zoo to its full potential. Because babies don't care about birds (which I LOVE), or sleeping tigers, or elephants doing tricks. They like fat, sleepy goats they can touch and harass. Oh well. I'll drag them again when they're older. Maybe it'll be our thing. "Oh, we're going to Aunt Christine's! THAT MEANS ZOO TIME!!!!"

 I hope so. I hope a lot of things for them. I love those two little girls so much it makes my heart hurt.

I'm doing alright in life right now. Things are looking up. I made homemade corndogs and blackberry cobbler for dinner tonight. Now I'm just waiting for that guy of mine to come over so maybe I can convince him to watch Glee with me.

 love, christine.

I am a fool.

Life is the taste of disappointment. In yourself, in others, it assaults from every direction.

The self-disappointment is the worst because I should know better. I should always know better. I set myself up for it time and time again, internalizing others mistakes, finding their fault in myself.

This is how it's going to be. Is that not good enough?

No, it never is.

I claimed in a previous post I wanted to be hungry and foolish as the late Mr. Jobs advised.

I just want to sated and unhurt.

Worth the Pain

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."
- Bob Marley

I am a typical human being, having five fingers on each hand. I look at my left hand and realize with that one hand alone, I can count off all the people in Houston whom I trust in friendship. It's been one hell of a year, the sloughing off of worthless friendships, discovering (quite painfully, unfortunately) the fickle and cruel nature of the majority of individuals I once considered friends. Experience is a redundant teacher, yet I can't seem to grasp the lesson. People will disappoint, hurt and break me. Words are the worst weapon against me.

It's not I don't know this... it's that I hope so hard each time it's different. I hope this time this person will actually love me. This person will actually think before they speak, before they judge, before they make me cry.

My open heart is something I value and a part of myself of which I'm immensely proud. I'm going to let everybody in the world have the chance to hurt me because I can't be any other way.

To digress:

I love Houston so much; I love living here, the vibrant culture, the bigness of it and the ability to start over.

I put down a deposit on an apartment today. I was doing rather well for myself: respectable career, home-owner, wife, etc... don't worry, I'm only regressing materially.

I'm sitting here on my bed, type type typing this up, two little pups curled up next to me, snoring slightly. Losing them is the hardest part of all.

Online Inspiration

from here.

"If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?"

-Maya Angelou

I'm a huge fan of the blog, Smart, Pretty & Awkward, introduced to it by Jenna (I think... maybe Heather). Molly linked to this blog: Daily Pep Talk and I'm becoming obsessed. I had to pause for a moment when I came across the entry about being good enough. It's a message I can't hear enough. I have crippling self-value issues, residual wounds left from a string of terrible father-figures.

All I want in life, at the very core of my being, is to be good enough. To even just be enough.

I need to relearn my soul and figure out how to be enough for myself.

2012: The Golden Year

"I have accepted fear as part of life -- specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back...."
-- Erica Jong

2012 is my Golden year. I turned 27 on the 27th and I'm embarking on a journey of brutally honest soul-searching. Everybody close to me knows by now, but to the world wide web: Jonathan and I are getting a divorce. To summarize, we did couples counseling which turned into solo counseling for me (which is a rather embarrassing thing to admit... while I strongly believe in the benefits of counseling and therapy, I never thought I'd be the one having to go) which helped me realize that if I truly respect and admire Jonathan as much as I claimed, I needed to leave him. I'm not in love with him and to remain in a marriage out of comfort and convenience's sake would be the most unfair, cruel thing I could do to him. I've been a bad wife and a bad friend to him when he deserved and deserves better.

We've been over since the ending-it-all conversation... all that's left is the paperwork and physical acts of separating two lives which shared eight years together. I want to travel, do things I've never been able to do before now. I don't ever want to compromise a dream for a relationship again and I want to do me. It seems so selfish but I feel so lost at times and I need to find my way back to myself. My friends all appear so confident in their lives, steadfast in their choices, career-paths, relationships, etc... I envy their sureness so deeply, my soul is tinged green. I long to feel secure in happiness derived of myself and build a life of self-dependency.

For a long time, I thought I could be happy staying with Jonathan because he's so good that if being with me made him happy, I could give him that because he deserved it. It's hard to accept (because it feels selfish) that that isn't right, it isn't good enough, it isn't fair. If I'm not happy, how can I be in a happy relationship? I need to live for my happiness first, before I can share that with anyone else.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done, the hardest thing I've ever been through. For the most part, I'm okay. At the core of it, I know I'm making the right decision but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm able to laugh, smile and genuinely enjoy life but at the same time, I'm straining from grasping to control so tightly. If I allow myself the slightest moment of weakness, I fear I'll lose myself to this ball of chaotic feelings swirling inside of me. People who know ask me frequently how I'm doing. I appreciate their concern but I can't talk about it. There are too many emotions that are ripping me apart inside for me to voice any right now. No, I'm not okay. I'm fucking dying inside every day knowing I screwed this up, that I disappointed so many people, including myself. I'm not just hurting myself, I'm not just hurting Jonathan, I'm hurting our families, our loved ones. I'm single-handedly destroying so much. I broke a promise, I murdered our dreams of a future together. When we'd speak nervously about our someday children, I just erased them and their possibility. I don't know how I'm to be trusted ever again. I don't know how to forgive myself.

My logic soothes me, the emotional creature I am, listing the rationale behind it all. It's the survivor in me, dousing the flames which threaten to consume me.

I'm not okay right now. I will be okay, though. Baby steps. First, I need to find myself and live for myself.

"I could die for you. But I couldn't, and wouldn't, live for you."
-- Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead